Here’s to you, “Forget the bottoms!” player! You listened to the experts, you tossed that knowledge into your group text threads like the boss that you are, and this weekend you cried with joy. As for people with a money line? The football gods reminded us once again that our grief is their joy. The buckets of tears have been filled and we are here to break them.
San Francisco 49ers to Denver Broncos
Dan Orlowski now has the honor of being the second most handsome defenseman to ever accidentally run out of the back of the end zone, but this 49ers-Broncos play is considered the ugliest thing we’ve seen in ages. 11-10? Really? Sunday night when we can’t even tune in for another game?! Money line bettors, we are SURE that Jimmy Garoppolo will help the passing offense. Oops.
Only Orlovsky should have celebrated this
SAFETY! Jimmy G comes out from the back of the end zone. #FTTB SAFE! Jimmy G comes out from the back of the end zone. #FTTB https://twitter.com/SNFonNBC/status/1574223053281705985?ref_src=twsrc%5Egoogle%7Ctwcamp%5Eserp%7Ctwgr%5Etweet
— NBC Sunday Night Football (@SNFonNBC) 25 Sept. 2022
Verdict: Three buckets
Green Bay Packers to Tampa Bay Buccaneers
It’s okay to admit that Tom Brady and Aaron Rodgers are incredible and their crimes are also incredibly bad, right? We knew it was going to be a defensive battle, but you know the Bucks folks felt very uninhibited when Tampa had the chance to tie with a two-point conversion.
— DraftKings bookmaker (@DKSportsbook) 25 Sept. 2022
Oops. One wild game penalty delay followed by a failed 2-point conversion and the Packers money celebrated like Ratatouille’s Remy if he found a cheese board.
Verdict: Two buckets – one filled with sadness, the other with joy.
Jacksonville Jaguars to Los Angeles Chargers
Why did Jacksonville’s crushing victory make this list? Because some of you lucky ones were so sure about this game when you thought Herbert wouldn’t play, and you know damn well that you raised your hands in sadness and disgust when you found out he was in the lineup. However, go on your walk and make your speech because you look brilliant right now.
Verdict: 1.5 buckets – basically filled with your tears before the start, which you will now deny.
Buffalo Bills at Miami Dolphins
Bills offensive coordinator Ken Dorsey looked exactly like your fellow Bills fan at the bar when that game was over.
Buffalo Bills offensive coordinator Ken Dorsey went crazy in the last seconds of Bills-Dolphins Buffalo Bills offensive coordinator Ken Dorsey went crazy in the last seconds of Bills-Dolphins https://twitter.com/clutchpointsapp/status/1574130755344764929?s=46&t=tSslpap0H3LYeEieMvl8yQ
— ClutchPoints (@ClutchPointsApp) 25 Sept. 2022
It has all the makings of a “why I was chasing THIS game” game. First half bad beat?
Bills 1H ML bettors turn away 🙈 Josh Allen fumbles the snap and passes to Stephon Diggs instead of betting and settling for FG
— Action Network (@ActionNetworkHQ) 25 Sept. 2022
Is the winning team 275 stinking yards behind? Chill. Ideal. We even had an ass. A punch on the cheek? Push? Okay, I’ll stop now.
Verdict: 3.5 buckets… and a clear indication of which side I’m betting on.
As always, we must pay tribute to the Sabbaths for their contribution to chaos.
Missouri at the Auburn
Missouri kicker Harrison Mavis had a chance to become “the fatter kicker at the top” by scoring the game-winning field goal to beat Auburn.
I’m not proud of this joke. Actually, I am.
Anyway, Auburn got in on the fun with a missed shot, but the offside gave them a second chance in overtime. It turned into an Auburn lead and I can only imagine “Taste great! Less stuffing! back and forth that went on in sports bars everywhere between Auburn and Missouri supporters. Then…well…Missouri fans were reminded why they can’t have good stuff.
MISSOURI SHOULD WIN BUT HE FUCKED IN THE END ZONE WHICH IS ALWAYS A BAD BEAT
— Action Network (@ActionNetworkHQ) 24 Sept. 2022
Verdict: five buckets
Middle Tennessee to Miami
Raise your hand if you have chosen this disorder. Now raise your hand so we know who’s buying dinner for the rest of the year.
Uhhh… Middle Tennessee State (+1500 ML) over Miami 24-3
— Pickswise (@Pickswise) 24 Sept. 2022
Verdict: Four buckets of cash
Win or lose – from the first bucket of wings (with a slice of blue cheese, of course, as we all agree that the ranch is trash) on a Saturday afternoon to the last wing you ate on a Sunday night wondering how much the hours are too many hours for a chicken to sit at room temperature – the buckets were full.
you can tweet me @jasonfitz with your bucket fillers and even get awesome loot. Here’s to another week of chaos, my friends.