Welcome to the MLB Star Power Index – a bi-weekly one that determines with terrible authority which players/baseball organizations dominate the current spirit of the sport, at least according to this pathetic scribe’s narrow perception. Although the presence of a person on this list is often celebratory, it can also be associated with weeping or mocking. The players listed are in random order, just like in the phone book. To the winners of this edition…
2022 MLB Big Ten Champion
It’s time to award the MLB Big Ten Championship for 2022. Those who complicate things are likely to point out that at the time of this writing, the regular season is more than two weeks away, and thus the awarding of the championships, given the current situation, is extremely premature and tantamount to a criminal act. The author would have conceded to the point if he had been willing to concede to the point. Instead, he admits that yes, MLB teams have played fewer games than 162 games. – like everything else that populates our daily life – almost does not matter. So, we will continue with the seafaring courage of those who do not care in the least.
Anyway, the explanation is probably in order. The Big Ten was not supposed to stretch from rising sea to rising sea as the current ridiculous guild does, but rather from landlocked corn board to invasive species of carp caught in the Great Lakes that will soon sicken us by campfire light. . So we went back to “Return the Big Ten” and restore geographic consistency. We have done and continue to do so by awarding the MLB Big Ten title to the team with the best regular season in both the National League Central and the Central American League – you know, in the country of the Big Ten.
One might wonder if the AL East and NL East could merge for an ACC title, or if the two western divisions make up MLB’s Pac-12. Hell, they can’t, mostly because the author is partial to the immortal lands of the American Midwest. Vive les fire pits, rust belt craft beer, mowing while watching a tornado, pale winter tongues burned back to life by scalding dumplings, and borrowed single-stage snowplows are finally back years later after the owner died of cardiac arrest while working shovel.
Since the word count has increased enough due to excessive throat clearing, let’s introduce the 2022 MLB Big Ten champion. Poison ivy laurel wreath in the backyard, report directly to the head of the St. Louis Cardinals. With the exception of the collapse, the Cardinals are aiming for the NL Central title and, more importantly, the MLB Big Ten title. Again, no, the regular season isn’t over yet, but the handshake agreement ensures that the Cleveland Guardians, Milwaukee Brewers, or Chicago White Sox don’t tip those assumptions out of gross inconvenience.
And so that we can meet the spirit and operational demands of this weekly humiliation, let’s single out a single famous and significant player. Sure, we could pay tribute to the 2022 Big Ten champions with one of their WAR leaders — Goldbird or Nolan Arenado — but instead, let’s upvote the Philosopher King team, which is also approaching 700 career giants:
Praise be to Albert Pujols, the spiritual leader of the Big Ten champions.
So now, in a vaguely nasal accent, let’s celebrate this event by listing past and present winners of the MLB Big Ten Championship in full. Note that this holy book begins in 2012, when the Houston Astros were mercifully kicked out of the Centrals, thus restoring consistency and purity to Heaven’s Own Centrals.
- 2013 St. Louis Cardinals
- 2014 Detroit Tigers
- 2015 St. Louis Cardinals
- 2016 Chicago Cubs
- 2017 Cleveland Indians
- 2018 Milwaukee Brewers
- 2019 Minnesota Twins
- 2020 Minnesota Twins
- 2021 Milwaukee Brewers
- 2022 St. Louis Cardinals
Now let’s play holiday hands in the ukker in the basement – partly finished but completely flooded.
The Battle of Los Angeles is about many things, and one of them is the ongoing power struggle between the right and left/right and left pecs of Dodger swinger Joey Gallo. Corresponding color photographs are being prepared:
While two of Gallo’s damn fellow rioters – Justin Turner and Cody Bellinger, to be specific in our accusations – humiliated themselves with fake muscles, Gallo doesn’t need such a trick. This is because, following the wise advice of Charles Atlas, he completed 1000 sets one at a time and then another set of 1000 for 1000 consecutive days. The actual exercise is not as important (it’s the dumbbell raise) as the results. And as a result, two large, thick and hard sides of dangerous beef hang from Gallo’s load-bearing clavicle, which groans under the load despite being reinforced with metal beams.
The good news is that in the end Gallo’s two chest muscles will create an uneasy world and the Battle of Los Angeles will end to get the Leviathan Thorax Plates that saved Los Angeles. You can thank Bombo L’Hosschest (Joey Gallo) and his 1,000 out of 1,000 sets for that.